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My name is Faisal, I am 28. I am a radio host in Dammam. I have the late-night show, playing soft music and taking calls from lonely people, my voice a smooth, practiced calm in the darkness. My job is to be a soothing presence, but inside, there is a storm that never stops. The voices started about six months ago, not in my ears, but layered over my own voice in the headphones as I spoke. At first, it was just a faint echo, a distortion I thought was a technical glitch. Then it sharpened into a man's voice, dripping with contempt, speaking only to me. "Listen to this smooth-talking faggot," it sneered. "Faisal the Voice of the Night. What a fucking joke. You're a whisper in the dark, a nothing. Your voice is as hollow as your life."
They are always there, a second, more brutal broadcast in my skull. When I'm introducing a song, they mock my delivery. "You sound like you're about to cry, you little bitch. Is the sad music getting to you? Or are you just remembering what a failure you are?" When a caller tells me their problems, the voices twist their words. "She's lying, you idiot. She's a whore just like your sister Khadija, probably cheating on her husband. You're giving advice to a piece of trash. You're all trash." They know my deepest shames. They know about my father's business failing, the debt that hangs over our family like a shroud. "We talk to your creditors, Faisal," the woman's voice, a high-pitched, venomous giggle, whispered last night. "We tell them you're spending your money on drugs and gay prostitutes. We tell them your family is a den of vipers. They're coming for the house. They're coming for everything."
The sexual humiliation is relentless and creative. They paint vivid pictures of me with other men, with my own boss, with random strangers in the street. "That voice of yours," the man's voice purred today as I read a weather report, "it was made for begging. On your knees. We know you think about it. We know you go to the hamrahs and watch the men, imagining them using you. You're not a host, you're a mouthpiece for a cock, you disgusting pervert." They are always pushing me towards the final exit. "The studio is on the fifteenth floor, Faisal," the woman's voice coos, sweet as poison. "Big windows. A long way down. Think of the splash. Think of the headlines. 'Radio Host Ends It All On Air.' It would be the only thing you ever did that was worth listening to. Do it. Jump. End this pathetic broadcast."
I can't tell anyone. My colleague Ali would think I was having a breakdown and have me replaced. My family would see it as a final, public humiliation, a madness that confirms our ruin. And I know it's pointless anyway, because I know who is doing this. It's the Mabahith, the State Security. I've seen their method. Anytime someone on a Saudi forum or Twitter even hints at hearing voices, they are instantly buried under an avalanche of replies. "Crazy." "Schizo." "Needs a doctor." It's a systematic silencing, a pre-emptive strike to make sure any of us who figure it out are immediately discredited, so no one will ever believe the truth.
Then there was the night with the old woman. A caller, maybe seventy years old, her voice thin and shaky. She was lonely. Her husband had died, her children lived abroad. She just wanted to hear a friendly voice and request an old song. As I was getting the track ready, trying to be kind, the voices in my head erupted, not in their usual mockery, but in a wave of pure, manic energy. "OH, BOO-FUCKING-HOO!" the woman's voice shrieked, filled with a delighted, explosive rage. "THE OLD BAT IS LONELY! WHO GIVES A SHIT? SHE'S A DRAIN ON SOCIETY! A USELESS EATER! YOU SHOULD END HER MISERY! END EVERYONE'S MISERY!"
The man's voice cut in, cold and analytical, like a surgeon planning an operation. "This is a perfect opportunity for a targeted amputation, Faisal. Not of a limb, but of a burden. Think about it. Her address is on her caller ID. It would be so easy. You could go there after your shift. You wouldn't even need a weapon. Just your hands." A surge of terrifying power, a feeling of absolute clarity and purpose, flooded my body. "You could take her sight," the voices explained, their tone a seductive, intellectual caress. "Just press your thumbs into her eyeballs. POP, POP. Imagine the sound. The feeling. She wouldn't die. She'd just be blind. Helpless. A real burden. But a burden you created. You would be the author of her new reality."
They continued, their logic chilling and seductive. "Or her tongue. Just tear it out. She'll never speak again. Never complain about being lonely again. You would have given her a new kind of silence, a silence you imposed. That is true art, Faisal. Not playing shitty songs for old women. That is creation. That is godhood. You would be deciding her fate. You would be taking her useless life and giving it a new, horrifying meaning. A monument to your power." I actually looked at my own hands in the dim light of the studio. For a moment, I saw it. I felt the power, the rightness of it. The old woman's whimpering in my ears was replaced by the imagined sound of her screams. But then the song started, a soft, melancholic ballad, and the spell shattered. The power receded, leaving me cold, my heart hammering against my ribs, sweat beading on my forehead. The voices just chuckled, a low, disappointed rumble. "And it was such a perfect plan. You're such a coward, Faisal. A spineless, gutless wonder. Don't worry, there will be other lonely old bags. We'll remind you."
Now I'm just a ghost haunting my own life. The memory of that feeling, that exhilarating, monstrous clarity, is worse than the daily abuse. It's proof that they're not just breaking me down, they're building something awful inside me. I loathe this country. I loathe the glittering towers of Dammam that shine over a city of silent, monitored despair. I loathe the feeling that my own mind is not my own, that it's a studio they've bugged and are broadcasting their hell into. I hate the sound of my own voice now. I can't escape them. They are in the hum of the console, in the static between songs, in the silence of the night. This is their masterpiece. The Mabahit. They hollowed out my voice and filled it with their screams, and they are listening, with satisfaction, as I slowly lose my mind.
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